


Give a Little Time to Me

by amczingphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Dan Howell/Phil Lester, 2009 Phil Lester, Angst, Established Relationship, Goodbyes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 12:25:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amczingphil/pseuds/amczingphil
Summary: It’s October 2009 and it’s time for Dan to say goodbye to Phil.





	Give a Little Time to Me

**Author's Note:**

> this is a kinda collab piece with @legdabs and @sleeplessnightwithphan. After we all realised that we would have to leave each other in Edinburgh, we became very emo and decided to do a 2009 leaving series where we forced our feelings onto dnp 
> 
> go check out their fics too!!!
> 
> also a special shoutout to @phloridas and @phantasieblog for beta reading this
> 
> your lovely comments and help made this fic everything it is and entertained me greatly! i love you guys so much! thank you <3

Dan had known that he wouldn’t be alright long before he had reached the train station, but he had tried to convince himself that everything was fine, because if he pretended hard enough then maybe it would end up being true.

The evening before he needed to leave, Dan felt the flickers of worry swirling in his stomach, causing it to flip over dramatically and giving him a feeling of overwhelming nausea, but he plastered on a smile. If he smiled through the pain he felt then maybe he would be able to do the same upon leaving. Maybe he would be able to laugh, hug Phil and promise him that it wouldn’t be long until they were next in each other’s arms. It was a nice thought.

Dan had spent the night lying beside Phil tossing and turning in the bed as much as he could without waking him, until finally he settled for lying on his side, facing Phil. He noticed  the way the moonlight illuminated his face in some places and cast shadows upon other areas, making him look ethereal in the night. Like Dan was in the presence of some magical being. Phil's eye lashes were dark against pale cheeks and Dan wanted nothing more than to trace his features and discover whether his skin was as soft as it looked in that moment.

If he wasn't so afraid of Phil waking up and finding him in such an emotional state, maybe he would have.

Dan wanted to lean in close and whisper promises to return someday in Phil’s ear, promises that they would one day live together and think nothing of parting for a small time because in the end they would always return home to each other, promises that they would soon be spending the rest of their lives together so there was no real need to panic about goodbyes that they would have to share the next day.

Except, he couldn’t bring himself to whisper the words, because the future was too uncertain and there was no way he could really promise anything of the sort. There were a million things that could go wrong in the coming weeks, months or even years and no relationship was ever set in stone. It would be typical for Dan to make promises that would be impossible to keep, because for some reason the world was out to get him.

Dan fell into an restless sleep without realising it, and when he awoke there was a solemn silence filling the air. It was unnerving. He wanted to turn to Phil and wake him with gentle butterfly kisses on his bare shoulder and murmur a sweet, “good morning," to pull him from the blanket of sleep, but he couldn't.

It wasn’t possible because Dan awoke to an empty bed, the space next to him was cold which told Dan that Phil had been gone from his side for a while. So why hadn’t he woken Dan too? When Dan looked at the time it was early, according to his phone it was 07:43, what time had Phil woken up at?

It was too early to be awake, and yet the chances of him returning to sleep were slim to none as his mind raced with a million thoughts that seemed to latch onto one another and run on into infinity. He lay there, trying to ignore his thoughts and listening quietly for the telltale sounds of Phil moving about downstairs. He listened for footsteps, the sound of the kettle boiling, the faint murmur of the TV, anything... but there was nothing.

For a split second he wondered whether Phil had maybe left and gone out somewhere, maybe he had nipped to the shop for something, but Dan was sure that he would have woken him first. That was what he had done the other morning when they’d ran out of milk. Phil had gently stroked the hair from Dan’s forehead, peacefully waking him, and mentioned that he was leaving for milk, to which Dan’s response was to grunt an acknowledgment and roll over onto Phil’s side of the bed and bury his face in the pillow there. He had fallen back asleep with the scent of Phil surrounding him and the echoes of smooth laughter in his ears.

Phil hadn’t mentioned anything, which meant that he was still in the house, the silence and that knowledge combined to form an uncomfortable lump in Dan’s throat and he could no longer ignore the truth.

It was the day he was leaving. It had finally gone from an unfortunate niggling thought in the back of his mind to a scary reality and he wasn’t ready to deal with it.

Dan threw back the covers, releasing the smell of Phil’s mum’s fabric softener into the air; a smell that had become familiar and comforting to Dan throughout the few days that he had spent with Phil.

As Dan tiptoed down the stairs he listened carefully for Phil, for any sign that he was there in the house with him. There were no audible cues indicating his presence which gave Dan an impending sense of doom in his stomach and he was overcome with the feeling that he was somewhere that he didn’t belong, but when Dan peered around the doorway of the living room he found that Phil was in fact sitting in there. In silence.

His phone was lying locked beside him and he was hunched forward in his seat, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands as though he had been given bad news. Even in a state of obvious despair, Dan couldn’t help but be struck by how beautiful he was.

“Phil?” Dan’s voice was too loud in the silent room and he noticed that it made Phil physically jump in his seat. His head whipped around to face Dan and the effort it took for him to force a smile onto his face was painful to see.

“Good morning,” Phil said gently, scooting to the side of the sofa and making a space for Dan to sit. “You sleep alright?”

“Never better,” Dan lied as he took the hint and curled into Phil’s side. “How about you?”

“Never better,” Phil parroted back.

The conversation lulled, both of them struggling to find something to say that wasn’t the obvious elephant in the room.

 _“I’m leaving today and all I want to do is stay,”_ was what Dan wanted to say, but instead he managed to force out a simple. “Any plans for today?”

“I was thinking about that,” Phil said. “Why don’t we just spend the day here, together?”

There was a pause before he looked at Dan, as though he had been afraid of asking.

“I think that sounds great.”

It was true, an entire day with Phil, lying in his house and doing nothing sounded like bliss. Except the ticking of the clock on the mantel was a constant reminder of their remaining time together  slipping away. Every tick was another second they had lost, collecting into minutes and then hours and before Dan knew it he would be alone on a train and heading back to Reading.

“What time is your train again?” Phil asked, like he didn’t have the confirmation email saved to his photos with all the times on it.

 _“Never, I didn’t actually book a train home, I decided that it would be best to just stay here forever,”_ Dan sighed. “Half four-ish.”

“So we still have most of the day, it’s just about eight and it’ll take an hour or so to get into Manchester, maybe a little longer,” Phil said. “We could get the bus at three-ish which means we leave here around quarter to, does that sound alright?”

 _“It would sound a whole lot better if I never had to leave,”_ Dan thought. “Yeah, that’s fine,” he tried to inject more enthusiasm into his voice so that Phil wouldn’t realise anything was wrong. “We still have hours to spend together.”

Hours.

It was a nice thought, but unfortunately the hours flew by in a series of warm hugs and easy conversations as the butterflies in Dan’s stomach grew more and more frenzied.

Dan couldn’t help but sneak a few photos of Phil when he wasn’t looking because in those moments, he was the most beautiful. There was no self consciousness or awareness of the camera, it was just Phil. Those photos were the ones that he would cry about when he made it home, when he was alone and feeling the sorrow of leaving Phil behind.

“Come on Dan,” Dan heard Phil call up the stairs, he was staring at his open backpack and the mess of clothes inside it while a million thoughts ran through his mind. “If you take much longer we’ll miss the bus and then your train.”

“Would that really be such a bad thing?” Dan grumbled to himself as he zipped up his backpack, closing the memories out of  sight. He raised his voice to reply, “two secs.”

Seeing Phil standing at the bottom of the stairs was enough to make Dan’s heart flip over in his chest, he wanted to dump his bag at the top and race down and into Phil’s arms. But Phil was clumsy and was more likely to drop him than he was to catch him in a hug. The fall wouldn’t phase Dan that much in all honesty, lying on the floor in a tangle of limbs wasn’t the worst way to spend time, and at least he would have been with the one person who mattered the most to him in the world.

“I’m ready,” Dan said upon reaching the bottom of the stairs. The words were a lie, and they both knew it.

Phil’s smile was a little tighter, his eyes a little less eager, and his shoulders were too tense. Gone were the witty and bizarre snapshots into his brain as he said everything that went through his mind. It seemed that they were both at a loss for words.

There were so many things that Dan wanted  to say to Phil, so many confessions he felt he should make, so many questions he still needed to ask. He couldn’t. It felt like someone had stolen his ability to speak, and as he looked at Phil he was overcome with more emotions than any one person should ever have at once.

“You alright?” Phil asked.

Dan thought that he should have been the one asking the question, not the other way around, but still he nodded. “You?”

That one word was harder to say than anything else, it came out croaky and in a hoarse groan rather than an actual question. Thankfully Phil not only understood, but also didn’t mention the rasp.

“Great,” Phil said sounding as though he was anything but.

There was another silence, longer this time and filled with more unspoken understandings than they could voice. It was too much.

“I forgot my charger upstairs,” Dan croaked out. “Just give me two mins to run and get it before we go.”

He slid his backpack from his back and dumped it at Phil’s feet without waiting for a response. Taking the stairs two at a time, he found himself back in Phil’s bedroom, the room that had become as familiar to Dan as his own over the previous two days.

Dan traced his fingers along the green and blue wallpaper which had at first been repulsive but had grown on him significantly in the short time he had managed to spend there. There were so many small trinkets laying around, little visual representations of Phil, little things that probably seemed like nothing but meant more to Dan than he could ever explain. Like the black marker they had used to draw whiskers on themselves just the previous night. To anyone else it would be nothing more than a marker, they may even throw it away without thinking, but to Dan it was so much more.

That marker was part of the video that he had filmed with Phil the first time that they had met. Maybe the video was just a silly Q&A with random noises and tackles, there was nothing overly significant about it, but it held a special place in Dan’s heart.

The bed was just as it had been when Dan had abandoned it that morning: a mess. Just like Dan. His emotions were going haywire and as he stood there in the middle of Phil’s bedroom, looking at all the things that were scattered about, he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“Did you find it?” Phil’s shout drew Dan back to the moment and the reason he was in Phil’s room in the first place.

“Nope,” Dan called back. “I must have packed it and just not realised.”

“Do you want me to check?” Phil asked.

“It’s fine,” Dan said, casting one last glance around the room before reluctantly leaving. “Besides, if it’s not in there then I can steal my dad’s and get a cheap one off eBay.”

“Alright then,” Phil said. “I guess that’s it?”

“Wait, there’s one more thing,” Dan said. It was something he had been thinking about doing for a while that day but he couldn’t quite build the confidence to go for it. Which was exceptionally ironic considering all the things that they had done these few nights together.

He stepped closer to Phil who was studying him, his eyes intense in the dimly lit hallway.

Dan’s lips were chapped from the brisk air outside but Phil’s were soft and warm and moved against his own so enticingly that Dan wished  he didn’t have to leave. He wished that they didn’t have somewhere to be, he wished that Phil would move his hand up from the small of Dan’s back to his hair. He wanted Phil’s lips to move away from his own and trail gentle kisses down his neck, where he was most sensitive.

When Phil pulled away it wasn’t to do that. It was to give Dan a small smile as he whispered the words that pierced Dan’s heart like a bullet. “We don’t have time, we need to make a move.”

 _One day,_ Dan promised himself, _one day we’ll have more time than we know what to do with._

They walked out into the street with flushed cheeks and sad smiles. Dan wondered briefly what the neighbours would think if they happened to look out of their windows before realising that he didn’t really care. They could think what they wanted because at the end of the day, he was happy. He had Phil in his life, even if they were about to part ways, and he knew that there was nothing wrong with his feelings. Phil had reassured him of that many, many times.

The bus stop wasn’t far from Phil’s house - a brief walk - and for once in his life, Dan wished that they could walk for longer. As the bus stop came into view, and the small horde of people inside the shelter, Dan felt Phil’s hand become slack in his and he knew that it was time. Time to let go and pretend that they were just two friends going into town together just for the sake of it.

Except they weren’t and no matter how much Dan tried to convince himself otherwise, he couldn’t ignore the time slipping closer and closer to him boarding  the train back to his own life.

“Do you think it's weird?” Dan asked.

“What?”

“That our lives managed to fit together so easily?” Dan asked. He wanted to elaborate but he couldn't bring himself to say the rest. _“Do you think it's weird that you mean more to me than anyone else in my life even though we’ve only met in person for three days?”_

“Sometimes things just work out how they’re meant to,” Phil said. Dan’s heart stopped, the acknowledgement that they were meant to be together was almost too much. He forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat and blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall.

He couldn’t cry, not when Phil was holding it together so well. Dan couldn’t be the one to fail this way. They still had a few hours together, he could surely keep the tears at bay until he was alone on the train, where only strangers he would never see again could  witness his breakdown.

The bus didn’t take long to arrive and Dan was relieved to escape from the side glances of a girl at the bus stop. Part of him was curious as to whether she knew who they were, or if she was just speculating about the nature of their relationship. Or maybe both. That was a terrifying thought, but he cast it out of his mind within seconds. Why would anyone care enough to analyse their relationship?

The sun was already beginning to sink in the sky and the bus was dimly lit with orange bulbs that cast an eerie glow over the seats. Dan gripped onto the back of Phil’s jacket as they walked as though he was afraid of losing him on a bus, when really he just couldn’t put too much distance between them. Then the reality of the day could  set in.

As most bus journeys were, theirs was uncomfortable and filled with the ever present smell of urine that seemed to emanate from the chairs themselves. There were no seats left so the two of them were stood awkwardly in the aisle and Dan was sure that whoever kept elbowing him in the backside was doing it on purpose.

“Are you alright?” Phil kept asking him that, as though suddenly Dan would confess that he was barely managing to hold himself together.

“I’m just dandy,” Dan muttered, trying to look anywhere but at Phil because if his eyes met those swirling blueish-green ones then he wasn’t sure that he would be able to hold back the tears that he could feel pricking at the corners of his eyes.

“It’s not long until we get there,” Phil said gently. “I know it’s a little cramped at the moment.”

Dan had to hold back a laugh at that one. Did Phil really think that Dan was uncomfortable because they were standing so close to each other? It was absurd to even think about. They had shared so much more than personal space over the past few days and if anything, it just gave  Dan a burning desire to get closer and closer to Phil.

“I don’t mind,” Dan said, and he didn’t. Once he got past the fact that there was a bus full of potential eavesdroppers, and once his nose got used to the strange odours that permeated the air, he found that he was quite comfortable.

Maybe Phil’s breath tickling the side of his face had something to do with that, or maybe it was the hoodie that he was wearing, stolen from one of Phil’s drawers and giving him a sense of comfort.

When Phil had first seen him in the hoodie, his face was softer than anything Dan had ever experienced as his hands travelled down Dan’s chest. They had trailed their way back up before he took ahold of the toggles and gave them a gentle tug. There wasn’t enough strength behind the action to move Dan, but he instinctively took a step closer. There were mere millimetres between their faces when Phil-

“Dan,” Phil whispered, breaking him out of his memories. “You’ve gone really red, are you sure you’re feeling ok?”

“Oh, I uh-” Dan paused, his cheeks burning scarlet as he scrambled to explain the flush on his cheeks, without scarring the other passengers too much.

“You?” Phil prompted.

“I was just remembering how I came to steal this hoodie,” Dan said, finally looking at Phil’s face.

He was strangely pleased to see that his lips were slightly parted in what could only be described as surprise. It wasn’t often Dan managed to catch Phil off guard, usually it was Dan who was left speechless and flustered by Phil’s neverending flirting.

“That’s definitely something to think about,” Phil said.

Finally it was time to leave the smelly, overcrowded bus and Dan couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of Phil’s hand on the small of his back as he guided him off. The action was subtle enough that anyone looking would just think they were friends in a rush, and Phil was hurrying Dan, but Dan could feel the gentle touch offering comfort and reassurance.

"The station is pretty close to this bus stop," Phil said to Dan, as though that was a good thing.

"Great," Dan said. "We have a few spare minutes though, right?"

"Right," Phil said. "How about we get coffee? We don't really have time to sit in but we can get ones to go and you'll at least have something for the train."

"That's a good idea," Dan said, though it was a lie. He didn't want to get a coffee for the train.

He wanted to get a coffee with Phil. He wanted to sit in the corner of the Starbucks and talk about everything and nothing, he wanted to hear about Phil's dreams and wishes for the future, he wanted to know about all the ways that Phil caused trouble as a child. Dan wanted to hear Phil talk about his greatest passions in life and he wanted to know him better than he had ever known anyone else.

If only there was time for that. If only he had a special little stopwatch that would allow him to pause time so that he and Phil could live in their own little bubble for a while, so that they didn't have the ever looming threat of Dan's train to contend with.

It just wasn't fair.

"Chin up," Phil said. "This one's on me."

"You got the last one," Dan argued. "It's my turn to pay."

"Think of it as a goodbye present," Phil said. He may not have realised  it but that was the last thing Dan wanted. A goodbye present sounded far too final, it sounded like a promise that they wouldn't see each other again.

"I don't want a goodbye present," Dan admitted softly.

Just like that, Phil’s calm exterior broke and Dan caught a glimpse of the heartbroken boy underneath.

They were both suffering, but neither of them wanted to admit it. Or maybe they didn't know how to admit their pain to each other. It was quite a lot to say to someone that you were afraid of leaving because you were scared of never seeing them again.

"I know," Phil said gently, bumping his shoulder against Dan's as they walked. It was a sad substitute for holding hands, but they couldn't do that in public. "It's a temporary goodbye though."

"It is?" Dan asked, looking at Phil through desperate eyes, needing the reassurance that only he  could offer.

"Of course it is," Phil said. "Unless you're fed up of me?"

"Don't be stupid," Dan said with a snort.

"So, a temporary goodbye?" Phil asked.

"A temporary goodbye."

Despite the promise that they had made for it to be temporary, it didn't stop the fears niggling at the back of Dan's mind. It was easy enough to make a promise in person, but it was a completely different thing to hold to that promise.

They were both so young, Dan especially, which sometimes made him worry that Phil would find him immature and he’d want to move onto someone older and more sophisticated. When Dan had confessed that, Phil had ended up in hysterics.

"Dan, I make videos about my strange life and share them with strangers online, I bought my mum a monkey in a cage for her birthday, I filmed myself pouring shower gel on my face and told people it was a new product," Phil had said. "Do you really think I want someone more sophisticated?"

Phil knew just how to comfort him. It was almost unfair that they lived so far apart. It was a geographical 'fuck you' from the universe.

Despite knowing that he was about to leave  Phil, Dan realised that it hadn't truly set in until they entered the station.

Somewhere someone was blowing a whistle, there was a shriek of metal on metal and then the typical whir of a train starting up. Suddenly it was all too real.

Dan was getting on a train and leaving Phil. No matter how many times he had told himself that in the past, he realised that he had been blocking out the true emotion of it.

"Should we check which platform you're on first?" Phil asked.

Dan shrugged, he wanted to say something but he physically couldn't bring himself to form the words. It was as though the sorrow deep in his soul was reaching out and covering his mouth. He had so much that he wanted to say and yet all he could do was breathe  shallowly and attempt to avoid staring at the person he would soon be forced to leave.

"Ok then," Phil said carefully. Dan could feel his gaze on him but he refused to meet his eyes because if he did then he’d never be able to hold it together. "Why don't you grab us a seat somewhere by the departures board and I'll meet you in a couple of minutes with our drinks."

"Fuck that, why would I let you go when I'm trying to treasure every last second?" was what Dan should have said, but as his tongue was apparently paralysed in his mouth all he could do was nod sullenly.

Phil reached out and squeezed Dan's shoulder before he walked away in the direction of the Starbucks. The small action meant as much to him as a hug would have done. Dan couldn't help but watch as Phil walked away, eyes glued to the silhouette that meant the world to him, until someone rammed  their shoulder into Dan's on their way past.

"Do you mind?" they sneered, before huffing to themselves  and walking off with their chin in the air. As if it was Dan's fault.

When Dan finally tried to look for Phil again, he was gone, and even though he knew that he would see him again in a matter of minutes - he was scared. It was a strange feeling to be afraid of the possibility of never seeing someone again, it was a concept that Dan would have never thought possible until it was his reality.

All he had to do was find a seat by the departures board and wait for Phil to turn up again but his mind kept whispering that Phil wouldn't actually turn up. What if it had been a way for him to avoid being lumped with a crying teenager at the train station? Maybe Phil was already on the bus back to his house.

No, he had to give Phil the benefit of the doubt. He had promised he would be there to see Dan off, and nothing he had done had let Dan down so far.

The departures board was filled with various journeys going to various places, dozens of trains filled with a mixture of emotional people. Some would be as sad as Dan, some would be excited about their destination, some would be completely nonchalant.

And then Dan saw it.

**16:27 - Reading - Platform 4**

The sight of his train on the board was proof that it was real, that he was going to be leaving. What would happen if he just didn't get on the train?

What if he just got on the bus home with Phil? Sure, both of their parents would probably have a few questions and concerns, but maybe it would be worth it. They'd be together at least.

He could learn to be a better person, he could learn to wake up earlier, he could learn to do chores around the house, he could stop swearing. He could make Phil's family like him enough to allow him to stay there. If only such a thing was possible.

Instead they would be travelling alone very soon. Dan would be sitting next to a stranger on the train and trying to hide his tears from them and Phil would be standing alone on another overcrowded bus.

"One caramel macchiato," a voice announced. Phil. "I asked them to put extra caramel on it for you, I think it's needed."

Dan accepted the drink. "Thanks."

"He speaks again," Phil joked, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. He was hurting just as much as Dan was.

"I'm sorry," Dan said.

"What for?" Phil asked as he took a seat beside Dan, pressing their legs together.

"For being so quiet," Dan admitted. "For being sad."

"It's alright to be sad," Phil said and Dan could hear how hoarse he sounded, as though he was struggling to hold in his own tears. When Dan looked over at him he realised he was right, those beautiful eyes that he felt he could stare into for days on end were brimming with sorrow.

"We're such cliches aren't we?" Dan asked with a snort that should have been amused but mostly sounded like a hiccup as he fought the overwhelming urge to break down. "Almost crying in a train station because we have to say goodbye."

"I think that's as good a reason as any to cry," Phil said.

"We knew this was coming," Dan said. "So why isn't it easier?"

"Because we just fit," Phil said. "Meeting you was like meeting a part of myself that I didn't even realise that I was missing until I found it."

"Stop it," Dan said with a sniff. "I'm trying so hard not to lose it right now."

"Stop trying," Phil said. "There's nothing wrong with showing emotion, we're both trying to hold it in so much that we're neglecting the time that we have left together."

"I don't want to go," Dan said quietly and finally, the first tear fell. It landed on the top of his cup with a muted tap. "I wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that you'll be there."

"I'll only be a skype call away," Phil said. "I know it's not the same, but it's something, right?"

"It'll do for now," Dan said, "until we live closer."

"One day."

One day. A vague promise that they would make to each other to feel better about the fact that their relationship was doomed to join the plethora of failed online relationships.

"Your train is boarding now," Phil said. It was interesting how those five words were enough to send Dan's stomach plummeting to the ground as though he had swallowed a lead block.

"I don't want to get on it," Dan said. "I just want to sit here and pretend that time and distance don't exist."

"I know the feeling," Phil said, but despite his words, he stood up and held out his hand to help Dan up.

Phil didn't just pull Dan to his feet, he also pulled him into his arms in a tight hug. Dan's heart jumped as he almost spilled his coffee down Phil's back, that would have been one hell of a way to say goodbye.

"I wasn't lying, you know," Dan whispered. "This really was the most fun I've ever had."

Dan felt Phil's shoulders tremble under his chin, "I'm going to miss you," came the muffled reply.

Dan wished he could kiss Phil one last time, but the station was too crowded and they were drawing enough attention with their prolonged hug. When Phil pulled away it felt like he had taken a part of Dan with him, and maybe that part was his heart.

When Dan finally pulled away, there were so many things on the tip of his tongue that he wanted to say but none of them seemed like enough.

Phil walked him to his platform and they embraced again. Dan never wanted to let go.

"Last call, if you're getting this train it needs to be now," a conductor said as he passed them, seemingly oblivious to their  moment.

“Call me when you get home,” Phil murmured. Dan could feel the vibrations of his speech against his chest before Phil finally pulled away.

“Yeah,” Dan said.

He stepped on the train and his foot caught on the step on the way up, causing him to stumble. He didn’t even care, he was too upset about the fact that he was leaving.

The train was almost full but Dan managed to find a seat in the back to slip into rather than hunting down his reserved seat. He had a perfect view of Phil standing there on the platform, looking lost as he clutched his coffee as though it would stop him from the emotion of saying goodbye.

A singular pane of glass parted them in that moment, the moment when Phil lost the tight hold that he’d had on his emotions and suddenly burst into tears. Dan’s heart shattered into a million pieces and he wanted nothing more than to get off the train. He wanted to change his mind and run back into Phil’s arms so that he could promise that he wouldn't leave.

Except Dan heard the whir and beep of the doors shutting for the last time and he knew it was too late. He was leaving Phil crying on the platform and there was nothing that he could do about it.

When the train started up and began moving, Dan felt his heart break into pieces along with it. There was a brief moment where he considered pulling the emergency stop, then he could  jump off the train and run back to Phil. They would run into each other’s arms as though it was a movie and just like all movies, they would have their perfect ending.

It would be everything. Dan would have everything.

He didn't pull the emergency alarm. Instead the train picked up speed and he found himself craning his neck as far as it would go so that he could keep Phil in his sight until the very last moment. His tear streaked face was ingrained into Dan's mind in a way that he could never forget.

He was gone.

Dan had left Phil. They had parted ways and Dan had no idea when they would ever manage to see each other again.

'When'  was a very presumptuous word. It implied that Phil would actually want to see Dan again, when he may never want anything of the sort. Maybe Phil was relieved to finally be rid of Dan?

The train was too silent and Dan's sniffles were too loud. He forced himself to close his eyes and focus on the music filtering through his headphones. Anything to forget the emotions that were coursing through him and making him wish he could rewind time and live through the previous few days all over again.

The future was uncertain, and there was so much hanging in the air. Dan didn't know where the next few years would take them, he didn't know if there was even a chance that they would still be talking to each other in a year's time. They were just two guys, just drifting through their lives.

Maybe everything was destined to end, but in that moment Dan didn't care. He would take the pain of losing Phil if it meant that he would get just a little more time with him, he would take all of the emotions - no matter how overwhelming they felt - because Phil was worth them all.

Dan had known that he wouldn’t be alright long before he had reached the train station and as the train chugged further and further away, Dan couldn't help but feel as though that was because he had left a part of himself back in Manchester, with Phil.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading lovelies <3 hope you liked!! <3 come and find me on tumblr @quiffedphil and let me know what you thought!


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